still maintaining Wednesday, Nov 25 2009

This morning I weighed 188, which means I’m still maintaining. I talked with my husband this morning, and he agreed that if I was happy, comfortable, and healthy at this size, then there’s nothing wrong with my remaining at this size (size 16). Perhaps it would be ideal if I could drop another 20 pounds, but with Thanksgiving and Christmas staring me in the face, I’m not too worried about it.

I still feel that I overeat at night, but it’s not so much, apparently, that it’s causing great changes in my weight. I tend to limit it to crackers. I don’t buy lots of crap, and I hope I never get back to the eating-half-gallons-of-ice-cream phase. It’s diet ice cream, which gives me lots of gas, unfortunately. So I limit it just for the sake of being comfortable and socially acceptable.

We’ve got several holiday parties coming up, but those usually aren’t a problem for me. I’m hoping, however, to get back in the habit of writing in this blog more often.

Leave a Response »

 

doctor’s checkup Saturday, Sep 19 2009

I had my check-up with Dr. H. yesterday. Fully clothed, with shoes, I weighed 190.4, which means I’ve been gaining and losing the same five pounds for months now. In a way, that’s a good thing. I’ve shown the ability to stabilize. However, I would like to knock off a few more pounds before getting this stable. As odd as it sounds, I kind of like being this size. I have plenty of energy, I’m not starving (far from it!), I can wear off-the-rack size 16s, and I feel “normal.” My blood sugar is good, my blood pressure is good, my cholesterol is good, and my overall health is good. Maybe it’s unrealistic for me to think that I ought to be smaller. However, I’d like to drop about another ten pounds, just to have room for safety.

Dr. H. pronounced my diabetes “cured,” but I can’t think in those terms. I have to think of it as being merely “on hold,” because I suspect that if I were to regain a lot of weight, the blood sugar, and blood pressure, and cholesterol, would all rise.

Another thing that I’ve changed is that as of yesterday, I’m not wearing the compression hosiery. My left leg is never going to get as small as the right. The hose are doing strange things to my toenails and toes. So I bought some socks, cute ones, when I splurged and got some new clothes (four pairs of pants, two blouses, three sweaters). Lovely fall colors.

Anyway, I still want to get control of my nighttime eating because I hate not being in control.

Leave a Response »

 

Why am I out of control? Monday, Sep 14 2009

Why is my eating so out of control? I know what to do. Why don’t I do it? Why is the siren call of food so strong, so powerful, so irresistible? I’ve just loaded my car with hobby things so that maybe I won’t eat at night at my apartment. I’d like to blame television, but apparently, I don’t need that excuse to overeat. This coming Friday I will be standing on my doctor’s scale, and I have a feeling he’s going to fuss at me for going in the wrong direction.

I don’t even feel good. I’m tired and sleepy and lethargic. What happened to my energy? This has got to stop. I’ve got to get myself under control. After all, I’m a control freak, right? If I can’t control my own snacking, then is there anything else I CAN control? I know that a lot of it is how I’m reacting to the many sadnesses and disappointments this summer has brought. But why have I gone through the ordeal of surgery if I’m just going to UNdo the surgery with constant snacking? Sigh. I’m even avoiding MYSELF, writing less and less in this blog. This is the one I need to write in DAILY. So now I’m going to try to do that.

Leave a Response »

 

Miracles Saturday, Sep 5 2009

Somehow I still weigh 186, even with all the overeating I’ve been doing. Life has been so stressful lately. My sister, two years younger than I am, had a stroke. My mother-in-law had surgery. My son failed the bar exam for the second time. I’ve just finished the first week of class, and to be honest, I’d just love to go to sleep for about a month and pretend the world does not exist.

It’s so hard to think about myself and about eating right when so much crap is happening. Last night we were going to go out to eat, to celebrate (we hoped) our son’s passing the bar exam. Alas, neither of us wanted to eat. We just wanted to sit and hold each other’s hands and stare dully and incomprehendingly into each other’s eyes.

Leave a Response »

 

Still misbehaving Friday, Aug 28 2009

I’m still not doing right with my eating. I’ve got to get myself under control. I haven’t weighed myself lately, but the other day, my pants were too tight. These pants were quite loose on me.

My friend from work (our departmental secretary) had her weight-loss surgery on Monday. She’ll be back at work on this coming Monday, presumably. Hope all went well for her.

Maybe her presence will help me to be re-inspired.

Leave a Response »

 

Still “obese” Thursday, Aug 13 2009

Isn’t it a pity that I’m wearing size 16 clothing, yet my BMI still has me labeled “obese”? Anything over 30 BMI is obese. Mine was 32.4. I weighed 188.5 yesterday. The desirable range for fat percentage is 23-34%, and I am 37.6%.
However, the Physician’s Assistant (Todd) praised me for the job I’ve been doing and didn’t think I needed to worry too much about my gall bladder. I do have to return for some more liver function tests in one month. I also will return in January for an 18-month check-up.
Not much to say, really, about the three visits yesterday with the various staff at the weight loss place. They put us in groups again, but fortunately, only one other person was in my group, a black woman six years younger than I am. Meeting the behaviorist Scott in a twosome was kind of weird. He’s the one who made me cry when I first met him. He did try again to pin me down on religion, but I told him I was nontraditional.
Anyway, I know what I need to do. I just have to do it.

Leave a Response »

 

One-year exam Wednesday, Aug 12 2009

Shortly I’ll be headed off for my one-year post-surgery exam. I just weighed myself the way they will weigh me: fully dressed but without shoes. I weighed 190.5, which is not good. I admit I’ve been doing a bit better with the evening bingeing, as in not doing so much of it, but I’m still plagued with heartburn.

I’ve got no one to blame but myself for my return to bad habits. I’m not exercising, I’m not eating right, I’m not drinking enough water. I’m drinking too much coffee. I’m having a glass of wine or a light beer each evening. They have every right to throw the book at me. Goodness knows, I’ve thrown it at myself often enough. Now is the time to face myself and admit that I have a problem. I binge. I am not in control. I am lazy and unmotivated many times. I wonder if my husband would agree to taking an evening walk? He’s off playing golf today, so he’s probably all walked out.

Anyway, I’ll report back when I return from the check-up.

Leave a Response »

 

Being an idiot Sunday, Aug 9 2009

Why? I wish I could figure out why every morning I make up my mind that today I’m going to eat right, get some exercise, stop being an excuse-maker, start trying to be healthy—then every night, I overeat until I’m miserable?!! This morning I weighed nearly 190 (188 1/2). Obviously, that’s going in the WRONG direction. What happened to my desire to become healthy? What am I afraid of? Am I just a lazy worthless undisciplined slob?

This must stop. I’m going to regain weight, have to again take medications for blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, etc., and feel as crappy as I used to feel. That isn’t why I went through all this. I did not have my stomach stapled off and undergo life-threatening major surgery just to turn around and blow it! I know exactly what I need to do. Eat slowly. Take tiny bites. Chew each one thoroughly. TASTE the food, not just cram it in like I’m never going to see food again. Drink lots of water. Get exercise. Now, I must do those things. I cannot lose ground.

Leave a Response »

 

Blood problems Friday, Aug 7 2009

My doctor’s office (the weight-loss surgery doctor) just called. Apparently my blood work shows some problems. My liver enzymes are high, and my protein levels are low. I’m eating tons of protein, or so I thought. She asked me about gall bladder problems. I don’t know. I told her about the diarhhea I’ve been having every morning.

Now I’m worried, but I probably shouldn’t be. If nothing else, this is probably a reminder that I’ve been eating badly and not getting enough water. I’m also having a glass of wine or light beer nearly every night, something else that isn’t good. My appointment is next week on Wednesday, so maybe I’ll find out something. They want me to repeat my blood work in about a month.

Leave a Response »

 

Victim of the vampire Wednesday, Aug 5 2009

I went this morning for my bloodwork for my one-year check-up. The cute young thing sucked out more vials than I could count! There were at least eight. One of them, she wrapped in foil so light wouldn’t destroy whatever properties they were looking for. No peeing in a cup today, though.

I’d had to fast for twelve hours and do without vitamins of any kind for 24 hours prior to the testing, so when I got back, I ate breakfast, drank coffee, and took vitamins. When I go in on August 12, I hope they’ll have a substitute for the Flintstones Chewables that I have to chew two of, daily. The purple ones are just horrible. They taste like cough syrup, that purple kind. Artificial flavor is artificial flavor, I guess.

My stomach problems seem to have improved, except that night before last, I had the worst heartburn! It’s my own fault, though. We’d bought a fruit tray at the grocery store. It was discounted because the fruit was getting old, and because my husband doesn’t like the pineapple, I ate the pineapple. I’d also had a glass of wine that tasted strongly like grapefruit. Between the two, I was awake from 1 a.m. until about 5 a.m. I chewed three Tums and finally was able to go back to sleep, but the day was a drag because I was so sleepy.

I’m working myself back into a mental state of renewed interest in losing weight. So much has happened this summer that my own health has taken a back seat. I’ve let my constant eating (that’s what I do to deal with worry) control me. But going through these old pictures (family photos that I’m scanning into the computer) and seeing how horrible I look at my heaviest, and remembering how bad I felt—well, that’s helped me to refocus. I also look at the ones where I am thin and downright gorgeous and wonder why I could not see how pretty I was then. I think I’ll attach one of those photos to this blog post so it will remind me.

Leave a Response »